Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I remember my first Catechism classes in first grade. That was when Sister Jean Marie told us God was as old as time itself and all powerful, and that he did not look like us. So in my child’s mind I imagined God was a Tyrannosaurus rex- old, powerful and non-human in appearance. Plus he could smite the shit out of you just by his mere size and strength. I was really into dinosaurs as a child. Of course I deduced that he was a magical T-Rex because he created stuff and turned people into salt and sicced locusts on folks. A magical T-Rex is pretty badass and everyone knows God doesn’t play games.
It was during this same first grade Catechism class, during a Q & A period, when Sister Jean Marie told us animals didn’t have souls and couldn’t go to Heaven when they died. I remember feeling shock and disbelief. What kind of bogus shit was that? That night, with tears in my eyes I told my mother that I was going to Hell and I preferred it that way. She asked me why I wanted to go to Hell and I told her what the nun told us. My mom told me that the sister was mistaken, that animals do in fact go to Heaven. Then I became concerned about the cows and chickens that were killed for food and she tried to explain that “pets” go to Heaven by telling me that if an animal is loved by a human, then they can get through the Pearly Gates. This was my mother’s attempt at differentiating livestock and companion animals to me.
Of course I believed my mother over a stranger in strange clothes who talked crazy talk. If you loved an animal, it went to Heaven. It made perfect sense. Armed with this knowledge I proceeded on a mission to get as many animals into Heaven as I could. If I looked out the window of the car and saw a dead squirrel on the side of the road I would close my eyes real tight and silently pray “Dear God- I loved that squirrel. Please let it into Heaven. Amen.” Then I’d make the sign of the cross. “Dear God- I loved that rabbit. Please let it into Heaven. Amen.” I prayed for every piece of roadkill I saw. Even the ones I couldn’t identify. “Dear God- I loved that, that thing. Please let it into Heaven.” In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Why am I telling you this? Because to this day when I see roadkill I still have the urge to “pray it into Heaven.” Not so much wildlife, but when I see a cat or dog, and, well okay, a deer the old habit kicks in. I don’t actually pray, BUT I will make the sign of the cross with a finger or two. Kind of like a priest does over a dying person’s head. It’s more like an OCD, subconscious kind of thing I do. It’s very inconspicuous.
Monday as I was driving to work I was making a turn and there in the middle of the road was a large black furry lump. I imagined it was a dead cat. I cut my wheels so I wouldn’t run over it and with one finger on my right hand that was on the steering wheel, I made my modified sign of the cross. Yay. Another cat in heaven!
That afternoon as I was leaving work, I pulled onto the same road and there was the same black furry lump. The traffic light turned red and I stopped beside the furry mass. I didn’t want to but I turned and looked. Then I laughed. Here’s a pic I took with my iPhone-
That is a lump of 100% acrylic hair extensions. Fake human hair. Yes, I prayed ‘weave’ into Heaven. May T-Rex have mercy on my soul.
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22 Responses to I once told my mother that I would rather go to Hell than Heaven, I think with this entry I may have just purchased my ticket
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Ok..that was funny as hell!
I don’t even know what the hell to say… First I was intensely reading this story, then I got all teary eyed and almost started to cry when you were praying all these animal into heaven, than I’m laughing hysterically … out loud… My God my windows are open…. Thank you!
Holy Hair, Batman!!
Imagine how surprised they are up in Heaven…
What the…? Hair?
I figure that unloved squirrel road kill has a better shot at heaven than Nancy Pelosi.
I bet there are about a gajillion bald people fighting over that weave up there in Heaven right now. Maybe even that nun.
That pic is fantastic.
The weave with wings is OUTfuckingSTANDING. As in
“LOL.”
I swear I saw that same hair thing in the road in L.A. years ago, only I think it was on fire at that point. Anyway, I did the same thing you did (not the praying part, the looking at it part). Sure enough, it was a bad piece o’ hair, right there on the yellow divider line in a Los Angeles roadway. Some kind of statement. I remember rolling my window down to look at it as I drove by slowly, muttering, “There are a million stories in the City; this is one of them.” We didn’t have blogs back then or I would have jumped out, interviewed the hair, and posted it.
In closing, just let me quote some old Talking Heads lyrics, which have always meant a lot to me when it comes to animals:
“They say animals are hairy,
They’re livin’ on nuts and berries,
They think they know what’s best,
They’re makin’ a fool of us.”
Maybe your prayer will attach itself to whoever that hair was attached to.
Oh geez, who have you prayed into Heaven? tee hee
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Funniest story EVER! OH MY T-REX!!!!- that pic made me laugh so hard!
maybe it wasn’t fake hair, perhaps it was one of the pricier sets of hair extensions sold in your better ethnic beauty supply places. That would make it horse hair. In which case you just sent a pony to heaven! Good work.
Happy Thanksgiving to you by the way…
May T-Rex bless you and keep you, author of stab lists.
This had me laughing out loud. I read it three times and enjoyed it more each time.
You need to send up some Lee Press-on nails to complete some angel’s ensemble.
The whole idea of you using a loophole to pack heaven full of animals is f’ing hilarious.
You have to wonder – well, I have to wonder anyway – if the person who first ran over that tonsorial creation panicked: “Omigod, what did I just hit?”
The death of a weave is a tragic, tragic site- and I have to say one of the most common forms of road kill I see around my Oakland, CA office.
I’ve always wondered where the “animals don’t go to heaven” thing comes from. God created them, he numbers them, he knows when the sparrow falls, but he doesn’t let them in? Says who!
But the pic? giggles
OMG, too funny! I hope the person wearing the hair weave didn’t get run over and that was all that was left of her!
I like that commentor’s idea of all the bald men fighting over it in heaven! LOL!
Girl, I felt soo sorry for the animals that were getting killed. And at the end I could not do anything but laugh because I was not expecting to see (WEAVE) on the road. LOL
That wad of hair extension has a name: it’s a tumbleweave.
*** HAHA! That made me lol. ~Laura
You prayed it into weaven.
YES! Ricky will have a nice comfy bed.
[...] not a T-Rex, I thought of Laura when I saw [...]