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This is kind of a ranting PSA, but I want you to also notice how often I work into entries that I own an iPhone because us iPhone users are douchey that way | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I had this added to the notes on my iPhone because I kept forgetting it when I wrote my Stab Lists on Mondays, but this really needs its own post.


People that marinate themselves in perfume or cologne need to be STABBED. Stabbed, then hosed down with some kind of industrial solvent and placed in a giant Ziploc bag using giant spaghetti tongs and fucking buried 20 feet deep in an air-tight Tupperware container. What the fuck people? You can’t cover up funk with a perfume. You just reek of funk AND perfume. It’s disgusting. Your perfume lingers. Lingers. No one wants to keep smelling you. NO ONE. It is not sexy like the commercials say. It is not intoxicating. It’s FOUL.


All you need is to be clean. Don’t ruin it with your so called “signature scent.” If people can smell you coming and going, you are wrong. Save that scent for your date. Nobody who is forced to be around you wants to smell you and all the others in the same vicinity. Yes, all the marinated scents make a fine brew. NOT.


Smokers. Yes, you smell like smoke. I used to smoke and say “Oh this is so disgusting. I bet I smell like smoke.” knowing full well I did. Again, yes you smell like smoke. But you know what’s worse? Dousing yourself with perfume/cologne after each cigarette. Goddamn. You become a walking cloud of chemical ewww PLUS smoke. Just smoke your cigarette and chew some gum or something before you have to get up close to people or just avoid getting up close to people. Simple. One of the prices you pay. Just know that coating yourself with perfume/cologne is NOT solving your problem and if that’s what you are doing, you should be stabbed.


I am not anti-perfume. Just use it sparingly at your pulse points. NO ONE should be able to smell you unless they are up in your Kool-Aid. And if you’re in an office, remember NO ONE wants to smell your scent, period. I don’t care if someone compliments your scent. There’s shitloads of other folks marinated in other scents and all those scents compete with each other. It’s nasty and nauseating.


If this entry can make just ONE perfume/cologne addicted person stop doing what they are doing, then it served its purpose. Carry on.


 


P.S. Please note the purple button up top on the left, under my boo George Clooney button. The Animal Rescue Site. Please click it and go into their site and click their button there everyday to help feed and care for shelter animals. It is legit and won’t cost you a thing. Thank you.


P.P.S. The giveaway ends tomorrow at midnight. The winner will be picked by a random generator and will be announced sometime Saturday. It all depends when I drag my ass out of bed. I’m going to have some drinks Friday, so there’s no telling when that will be.


P.P.P.S. The last time I drank on a Friday I didn’t get out of bed until Sunday night. Just saying.


P.P.P.P.S. I promise I’ll get out of bed on Saturday to announce the winner. I was just telling you one of my drinking stories and about how old I am getting because I can’t recover as quickly from drinking. Maybe it’s because I really don’t drink that often. Why am I telling you this? Like you care about my hangovers. You should though. Just saying.

17 Comments
 

17 Responses to This is kind of a ranting PSA, but I want you to also notice how often I work into entries that I own an iPhone because us iPhone users are douchey that way

  1. Daphne says:

    I’m not feeling too generous with .6 bowls at a click, Laura.
    So, I sent them some funds.

  2. Nicole says:

    I have found that at work at least, I can click every time I get online. So I click a lot every day. :)
    Up in their Kool-Aid…LOL

  3. Lex says:

    Ugh I so agree.

  4. J says:

    It is the headaches that the carrier chemicals cause that gets me.
    Google “perfume headache” and understand that people may not be thinking “gosh he/she smells great” they may be thinking “pain induced nausea.”

  5. Jennifer says:

    I HATE to have to smell someone basted in perfume/cologne. I think the wearer becomes immune to it. I bet they were given a compliment ONCE that they smell good, so they drench themselves in it. And EVERYONE thinks ‘oh, but my scent is good and it’s expensive.” Yuck, no, it doesn’t matter.
    And you are correct- NO ONE really wants to smell someone else- good or bad.

  6. jw says:

    If I am standing 3 feet away from you and smell your perfume, cologne, whatever, then by gawd you need to learn how to put that shit on.
    1) Take a cotton ball.
    2) Dampen with water.
    3) Spritz or daub the perfume, cologne, whatever onto the dampend cotton ball.
    4) Daub the cotton ball onto your pulse points only.
    No one should be able to smell your perfume, cologne, whatever, unless they ARE all up in your kool-aid.
    Mini PSA -
    If I smell your perfume, cologne, whatever, comming from 3 floors up in a 75 room Hotel, I will stop you, ask your name, tell that you use perfume, cologne, whatever wayyyyyy to much. Especially if it is Taboo, White Diamonds, or Chanel #5. Then I shall give your name to Laura and hire her to stab you. I’d stab you myownself but Laura does it so much better. Besides, she has chain saws.

  7. alison says:

    People who wear too much fume give me nautia. I love this post.
    Today the driver of my bus was a Teddy Boy ..you know like those 50s styled dudes? He had coiffed hair into a puffball thing and had slicked it back with goo. Not a fan of goo hair either. Just sayin’

  8. mary beth says:

    “Stabbed, then hosed down with some kind of industrial solvent and placed in a giant Ziploc bag using giant spaghetti tongs and fucking buried 20 feet deep in an air-tight Tupperware container”
    LOVE THIS!!

  9. dogette says:

    Oh HELL yEaH about the perfume people. NASTY. NASS. TEE. Then again, the B.O. people are foul too. Anyone with odors. I’d rather smell “wet dog.” I really would.
    I used to smoke, too, but I didn’t bother with trying to cover it up. Of course, this was back in the days before cigs were criminalized. I actually remember sitting on airplanes RIGHT NEXT TO NONSMOKERS, tapping my ashes into the armrest between me and the non-smoker! OMG can you even IMAGINE such a thing now? No, you can’t. And I would light on off the end of the other! “Excuse me, can you move your arm off the armrest, I don’t want to burn a hole in your sleeve.”
    God I’m old.
    I found another animal cause I really like, if you don’t already have enough of them: Search Dog Foundation. And I don’t just like them because they have an animated gif of a chocolate Lab puppy in their banner, although I admit that was MARKETING GENIUS! GENIUS I TELL YOU.
    *Edited for link add (:I don’t know why yours didn’t, dogette)
    http://www.searchdogfoundation.org

  10. dogette says:

    Shit! I forgot to work into my preceding comment to this post that I own an iPhone too, of course, which is super douche-y. Clearly, then, I also need an app to remind me to mention the iPhone in comments.
    I’m very excited about seeing the contest results, and I am rooting randomly for all the random comments to randomly win, randomly.

  11. tuesday says:

    this one college intern wore such offensive perfume when I was pregnant, I almost hired a hitman.
    I wanted to faint/die/pass out/puke after she has been in a shared hallway.

  12. Laura says:

    Thank you, Daphne!
    I wish all the stinky people could be arrested at the very least, since stabbing is, well, kind of illegal.
    Dogette- We (both J and I) donated to that search dog foundation after 9/11. We sure did. After Katrina we made donations to the Northshore Animal League because they headed up a rescue effort for all the abandoned animals and badly needed funding.
    http://www.nsalamerica.org/
    Another of my faves:
    Guiding Eyes For the Blind.
    http://www.nsalamerica.org/

  13. Andy says:

    I hope that by “winner will be picked by a random generator,” you mean that you have already selected me.

  14. Pat says:

    I used to wear a vanilla body lotion and when I’d have a hot flash or get warm, people would walk by and say, “Mmmm, it smells like something’s BAKING!” Yes, folks, IT WOULD BE ME!
    It was TOO funny!
    As far as the winner goes, I’d like to thank, OH, OH. Sorry. Just kidding. Although think of all the places I could bring angry sock monkey and take his picture. It could be like “Where in the world is “ASM” with all my traveling. See? What a good idea is that?

  15. Shannon says:

    OMG this post should be attached to every bottle of perfume on every store shelf. My aunt wears Obsession. OBSESSION. And by “wears” I mean that woman dips herself into a vat of it daily. She smells like a 1980s walk of shame. Maybe I should call her on my iPhone and tell her to lay off the sauce.

  16. jck says:

    Very late, breaking update….
    Brussels airport… No sightings of any pics of George, the whore, or George and the whore… I am beginning to think it is US and potentially Italy who care at all….
    Amsterdam airport… The mags (there was one cover and one story I found last Sunday) have been replaced! I almost got run out of the store as I searched and searched, and they seemed a bit suspicious… At least until I put the Sharpie away… Very upsetting…
    However, if I can download the pic from my iphone (why yes, I have one), I will provide a special bonus pic you will like… Found in a very unexpected place… Why yes, it made me laugh out loud…

  17. jck says:

    And then I go forget why I chose this post to comment on… Laura, were you somewhere nearby during my travels to Europe?
    The number of times that I could detect the approach of a scent drenched, yet nasally challenged douchebags exceeded any reasonable estimates. So I took to the categorization approach… a) just basically overdoused idjit, b) smoker trying to overcompensate and c) BO violators. The last group can be further broken down, in my experience, to those who fail to wash and those who fail to wash their clothes. Same effect, but disturbing lack of basic common sense….
    Just in case you want to make a chart or something…

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