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Sometimes I think only assassins get complete satisfaction from their jobs…oh, and snipers | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’ve had it. This 9-5 shit just isn’t for me. I’ve thought it out and decided that I need to take my life in a new direction. But what do you do when you have no discernible talents or ambition?


Sex tapes.


Laugh if you want–but look what it did for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. They’re millionaires! Spokespersons! Fashion icons! Yeah, I know they’re both idiots. But ya’ll, they’re millionaires!


Well okay, so I’m not exactly going to sell a sex tape of me getting busy. Because, well, yuck and also I think I’ll go broke that way. No. What I have in mind is much like the way I ran my stripping business in college. Yes, I was a stripper; well, okay, no I wasn’t. I would go to the clubs and threaten to remove articles of clothing unless the dollar bills got handed over. Hey, it paid for tuition, housing and a new car. Not too shabby, eh? Now for my sex tape business, I’ll build a site and THREATEN to release a sex tape unless people send me $19.95. That’s right. I’ll take Paypal or Visa/Mastercard. You pay me NOT to make a sex tape. It will be like you’re saving the world or something. Think of it like you’re winning points for heaven. “But St. Peter, I helped stop the making of Laura’s sex tape!” “Well, in that case we’ll forget about that family of five you murdered, come on in!”


I’ll be a millionaire! I’ll go to LA and live the life. If my math is right, I should have a resisting arrest charge for attempting to climb George Clooney’s gate by March. I’ll do a short stent in rehab and BAM, not only rich BUT famous. Then I’ll do what celebrities do–wear fancy sunglasses.

11 Comments
 

11 Responses to Sometimes I think only assassins get complete satisfaction from their jobs…oh, and snipers

  1. dogette says:

    Genius, pure genius. I always thought that character played by Max Von Sydow in the film “Three Days of the Condor” had the job of jobs. He made his own hours, pretty much. He skulked around in trench coats. Not much interaction with assholes, especially since he was a hit man for hire. After work he’d go home and paint little figurines while listening to classical music. I can’t be the only person this impressed so.

  2. Laura says:

    You aren’t the only one that impressed so. No indeedy.

  3. Doni says:

    You are the only person I know in the entire world that could actually make $$ from these hysterical ideas… I know you … you could make this work…..

  4. Jim - PRS says:

    Imagine how much Michael Moore could make by asking people to send him money not to make a sex tape. Now, we’re talking some serious scratch.

  5. SB Smith says:

    Go for it ! :-D

  6. gregor says:

    I was a stripper for many years, made really good money at it, too. It started to give me some back problems though, from all the bending and stretching and staring into the light all the time did nothing good for my eyes. Wait… are we talking about the same thing?
    http://www.occupationalinfo.org/97/972281022.html

  7. Jennifer says:

    LOL! I think you’ll just keep getting arrested over and over once you hit LA. I know you won’t stop attempting to climb over Clooney’s gate once!

  8. Becky says:

    You crack me up!
    You’d be a rich, sunglass wearing, knife wielding, ninja gate climbing, zombie’s worst nightmare famous icon.
    What’s not to love?
    That may be just what it takes to get George to climb YOUR gate!!!!

  9. Laura says:

    Doni- Gee. Thanks? I guess.
    Jim- Ewww. I’d pay $19.95 for him not to.
    SB- Okay! I just might.
    gregor- That job looks harder.
    Jennifer- You are probably correct.
    Becky- From your lips to God’s ear : )

  10. Lex says:

    That is an awesome idea but don’t forget, once you get to wear the fancy sunglasses, you aren’t allowed to wear underwear.

  11. pat says:

    Sounds like a plan to me. Now me, here, I’m kinda thinking I should put the red light out above my door on the trailer, here in this retirement park. I’m thinking with all the old folks here, I probably just have to flash my tits and the old guys would be happy! I’d make a mint. Then again, they’re probably all on Viagra. You know what they say – an old man on Viagra is like putting up a new flag pole in front of a dilapidated old building. Yeah. Soooo, on to Plan B.

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