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I hope the authorities never find my Stab Lists if anyone on them is ever actually stabbed, but if they do and I go to prison I will still make them but will call them Shank Lists | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

It’s hard to believe it’s Monday again and time for another Stab List. It’s also hard to believe that there’s ALWAYS people and things I want to stab. Well, okay, it’s not that hard to believe.


1. Everyone who was at the S.C. State Fair the day I went. Goddamn, people that fall off turnip trucks are RUDE. If I had had my way it would have been renamed the S.C. Bloodbath Festival.


2. The two cats that woke me up early Saturday morning. Fighting, sexing, domestic dispute, drug deal gone bad, whatever the hell you two were doing, you both needed to be stabbed.


3. The little bitch I saw pull out in front of the car beside me that had to swerve to avoid hitting you. I plainly saw you were TEXT MESSAGING. You stupid bitch. I hope when something really happens (because it will), it only happens to YOU and that other people aren’t injured because of your dumbass self. STAB.


4. EVERY lawn care company in Columbia. I hate you all equally.


5. The H1N1 virus and everyone that keeps talking about it. Go away already.


6. George Clooney’s WHORE.

14 Comments
 

14 Responses to I hope the authorities never find my Stab Lists if anyone on them is ever actually stabbed, but if they do and I go to prison I will still make them but will call them Shank Lists

  1. dogette says:

    Shank List will work fine. Also, you will be able to sneak lists outside on laundry carts covered with towels and linens. If you can get a job in the prison library, you’ll be able to wheel a bookcart around on the various Blocks, which will also make getting your Shank Lists out a lot easier.
    If you can, try to get “protection” in the yard. You’ll want to find a sympathetic and like-minded group. Once you are in a group, the next thing is get yourself some tats to show where your allegiances lie.

  2. karen reich says:

    Of course you can always write letters to us on the outside, but it will have to be in code. We will decode the letter and post it to your blog.
    I agree about H1N1. I am sick of hearing about it. Yes, I am sorry that people are dying, but it seems that most of the people don’t die.
    At least the balloon boy family wasn’t on the news today. (Of course that doesn’t mean that they should be taken off the list. I have a feeling that we haven’t seen the end of them yet.)

  3. Doni says:

    The two cats were probably specialy trained by the nut case next door and sent to your house to drive you slowly insane.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sku3pyx6dZI&NR=1
    for the last time…DO YOU WANT ME TO COME MOW YOUR LAWN?

  4. CGHill says:

    On the other hand, if any of Balloon Boy’s clan show up in an actual balloon, we would be eminently justified in stabbing said balloon.

  5. Jim - PRS says:

    If you lived in New Jersey, you’d die from exhaustion before you could stab all the stabworthy jyerrrrrkoffs.

  6. Lex says:

    No shit about the h1n1, its the freaking flu. My brother had it in september, it is a very very bad version of the flu but the media needs to tone it down a bit.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3sX30NubTs
    Were these the cats? I told them to take their shit else where, I didn’t realize that they would go to your house… my bad…. just don’t shank me!

  7. Jennifer says:

    I HATE going to the fair mostly because of those turnip truck people. They do all need to be stabbed.

  8. jw says:

    Yeah, but EVERYONE has a shank list in prison.
    You could be more creative with yours though. Charts and Graphs and shit.
    You would be the most respected of all shank list makers because of your originality and creativity. Hell, offer the charts and graphs as tats. Bargaining power, yanno?

  9. jck says:

    Updated report (yet not breaking). Travel through the Netherlands beyond Amsterdam yielded no sightings of the whore. (And I was all ready for the mission – Sharpie and everything…) And they really like beer… Good beer, that is… Might be a good spot to put on your map…
    Now in Brussels, and preparing for some further recognizance. Report to follow.

  10. Laura says:

    It makes me both proud and scared that you all know so much about prison. Especially you, dogette.
    Yes, Lex I do believe those were the cats!
    Doni- No- you live way on the other side of town- in the forbidden clown area on my map, by the way. But thank you! I am hoping it will eventually frost here and kill my grass.
    I would make lots of charts and graphs in the joint. I am sure I’d have a lot of time on my hands.
    I would stab the parents of balloon/attic boy.
    Jim- I’d give it a try though. But isn’t there a lot of “mob” in Jersey? At least that’s what it looked like on the Sopranos.
    JCK- You’re cracking me up with these reports.

  11. dogette says:

    Oh yeah, and another thing. On visiting days, have J carry in a hollowed-out double-layer cake. It has nothing to do with your Shank List, it will just be fun to make J bake hollowed-out cakes and lug them to visiting hours.

  12. jck says:

    Breaking (not) report from Brussels….
    Here in the heart of Brussels, a classic liberal city here in lovely old Europe, this intrepid (I wish) commenter sallied forth in search of magazines… A mission fraught with risk…. scratch that, this is a pretty pacifist place… although a friend got mugged in broad daylight recently…. Anyway, back to the story… I searched local places (read pubs and drug stores) and found nary a picture of the whore… Perhaps they are all taking your wishes to heart, and have abolished these pics? The proof will be at the next airport… Brussels, tomorrow night…
    Stay tuned for further updates…
    (Why yes, my business trip is busy yet boring. Why do you ask?)

  13. Laura says:

    JCK- If you can email me pics of your WHORE defacing (as soon as you complete this mission that is) or your adventure searching for the WHORE photos, I would LOVE it and will, of course, feature it on this blog.

  14. pat says:

    It’s sad when two feral cats are having a better sex life than I am.
    The H1N1 virus – My husband said that people over 50 don’t need to get the virus. I guess us old people are immune to it or something – we either got a shot of this when we were little, or we’ve probably had this flu or something. I don’t know. I think it’s a plot to get rid of all us old folks so there will be social security left for you young whipper-snappers. Shut Up! Yes! Old People are Crabby!

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