Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
The Zombie Apocalypse. I am ready. But are you? I doubt it, so I am here to help. A chainsaw is an awesome anti-zombie weapon and a generally useful tool. So I decided to have a contest where, in addition to the awesome stuff I usually give away here, I added in one of these:
Poulan Pro PP3516AVX 16-Inch 35cc 2-Cycle Gas Powered Anti-Vibration Chain Saw
That’s right. A fucking chainsaw. That and other stuff will be given away to help one lucky reader survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse.
Here’s the other stuff:
1-Pissed Off Sock Monkey (my design-all rights reserved) handmade by me and not intended as a child’s toy. The eyes are buttons and pose a choking hazard for small children. So what I am saying is DON’T GIVE IT TO A CHILD; it’s a serious monkey for serious times.
1-Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith. A New York Times Best Seller.
1-The Zombie Handbook: How to Identify the Living Dead and Survive the Coming Zombie Apocalypse by Rob Sacchetto.
1-Plants vs. Zombies by Pop Cap computer games.
1-28 Days Later (Full Screen Edition) DVD.
1-Stainless Steel Water Bottle.
1-Package of 8 Skull and Crossbone i-clips Magnetic Page Markers.
Rules of Entry:
The winner will be announced on Halloween October 31th 2009. Entries will close on October 30th at midnight EST. The winner must email me after the giveaway so we can coordinate choice of prize and delivery information.
You are limited to one comment per day.*All entries/comments stay on this blog entry.* Please note that comments are moderated and will not show immediately. I work and sleep so it may take some time. Be patient. Just enter once and it will appear when comments are released. A random generator will pick the winning comment after the giveaway ends on October 30th.
You must complete this sentence in your comment/entry, “George Clooney’s WHORE is _______” and it must be derogatory. Any positive comments will be ineligible and will be stricken.* You will also then go on my Stab List.
*Disclaimer-
If you would rather have the cash value of the chainsaw ($125.00) in an Amazon gift certificate, just ask. If you are some sort of Apple-weenie-pacifist, and you win, well shit, enjoy what time you have left before the Apocalypse and I will send you an iTunes card for $125.00. You can download some Buddhist chants or some other Kumbaya shit to keep you mellow while you are being torn apart and devoured.
Use of the chainsaw on any non-zombie living thing (other than trees and shrubs) is expressly forbidden. Under no circumstances am I or anyone associated with Fetch My Flying Monkeys in any way liable even if you inform us you intend to use it on a non-zombie. By entering this contest, you release us from any and all liability whatsoever. It is all on you. It’s a chainsaw. It’s dangerous. Under no circumstances will our liability exceed the value of the chainsaw ($125.00). Any warranty is provided by Amazon and Poulan. Don’t blame us if the thing doesn’t work when the horde comes a knockin’.
If, you decide you really do want the chainsaw, then you must send me via fax or mail a valid picture ID with date of birth and signed statement saying you are over 21 years old. The chainsaw will only be sent to the individual on the picture ID. In the event the prize is won by someone who is not in the area served by Amazon’s “Prime Delivery”, or is under 21 years of age, the chainsaw portion of the prize will be a gift card for the value of the chainsaw ($125.00). If there is any legal reason your owning, receiving or winning a chainsaw is not allowed, you are responsible for letting us know and your prize will be a gift card for the value of the chainsaw ($125.00).
If the price of this particular chainsaw goes up, or is not currently available for sale at the end of the contest, I reserve the right to send you a gift card for the value of the chainsaw portion of the prize of $125.00. If for any reason, which I don’t forsee right now, the costs would exceed $125.00 to fulfill the prize, my cost would be limited to $125.00 and you would have to take the gift card instead of this really cool chainsaw. You can buy a bag of hammers or Barbie playhouses for all I care.
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130 Responses to The Fetch My Flying Monkeys Ultimate Zombie Apocalypse Survival Chainsaw Giveaway * Edit-GIVEAWAY CLOSED
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George Clooney’s WHORE is a fortune seeking nose picker.
George Clooney’s WHORE is the West Coast Distributor of crotch pheasants.
OMG this is the best post I’ve ever read in so many ways I am too fucking stunned to comment at all coherently. Let me breathe.
Ok. This contest ROCKS. How the hell can you do this? It’s insane but in a good way. The coming zombie apocalypse is not something I’ve taken lightly I can assure you. But you — you have really planned. I was just going to go out on the roof off the master bedroom with my Mossberg and a few Glocks and pick ‘em off as they amble up the driveway. You know how they amble. We have a couple chainsaws but I never even thought of using those. And of course you’re right, chainsaws are going to be way more effective than bullets or shot. WTF was I thinking?
George Clooney’s WHORE is the first thing the zombies will devour, but they’ll still be plenty hungry afterwards because her skanky plastic HO ass has no real meat on it and will taste like a stale Slim Jim to them.
(Added on comment)
I already commented (hope it went through), but had to come back to add that I want that sock monkey so bad. So. Bad. I just want to say that I would give him a really good home. I’d put him on my bed. I’d take him in the car driving and hold his pissed off face up to asshole drivers. Oh the fun we would have. I would take him to Dairy Queen, if that’s what he wanted.
George Clooney’s Whore sucks off horses cause she likes to practice her swallowing skills.
*Edit- added this comment to prior entry- only one is allowed per day- Please comment again tomorrow! Thanks for entering!
George Clooney’s Whore is the whore who sweats like a whore in church. . .
George Clooney’s Whore is so dumb, she tried spelling with her Spaghetti-Os!
“George Clooney’s WHORE is not nearly as smart as that sock monkey. If I win the chainsaw I’ll trim Geo Clooney’s whores toenails with it.
Hows that?
George Clooney’s Whore is likely a temp.
)
*Edit-Added to make one comment. Thanks for entering!
Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been laughing my behind off for weeks now from reading your blog (If you made the James Taylor chart into a tshirt I’d be first in line to order!) so I’m going to add you to my blogroll. You can keep Dogette company. (You can delete this comment if you’d prefer; it was quicker than finding your email addy
*Hmm I may have to make that tshirt. I’d be honored to be on your blogroll~Laura
George Clooney’s whore is a cunt.
If I win the sock monkey, I will take him to my Chanel counter and make him up like Coco everyday.
*Edit to make one comment
Two pain pills and a bottle of wine….maybe we should scratch that comment, huh? Gotta love days off.
George Clooney’s WHORE is skankier than my third wife.
George Clooney’s WHORE is probably really from New Jersey…
George Clooney’s WHORE, just as soon as she’s finished despoiling all that is holy and George-like, will depart and attach herself to some other trusting soul, becoming, perhaps, Johnny Depp’s WHORE.
George Clooney’s WHORE will probably turn out to be Brad Pitt in disguise – the poor man has to find some way to hide from all those kids, and what better way than posing as GC’s personal sex machine?
*perhaps I should read the directions first mwahahaha!*
George Clooney’s WHORE makes Tila Tequila look like a choir girl.
*No problem. You just got too anxious to get your hands on that chainsaw.~Laura
Well, since I won the last Zombie giveaway, I probably should stay away from this TOTALLY AWESOME GIVEWAY! While Laura could have been content with the books and movie angle again(I’ve wanted the P+P & Zombies and 28 days later), she has TOTALLY outdone herself because she ROCKS. So on that note, I will have to enter this Giveaway. Kiss the chainsaw away suckers, cause that beeatch is MINE!
George Clooney’s WHORE is not Laura, but she should be.
How’s that?
I assume we leave the day’s comment in this same post. It’s going to be a helluva thread of comments by the end. I skimmed the directions because I’m super busy and important.
But the main reason I’m here is to explain something important to people who don’t get the reasons we hate George Clooney’s WHORE.
It’s pretty simple, really. You see, George Clooney’s WHORE is often confused for a display at Madame Tussaud’s House Of Wax not so much because of her fake body and overall plasticness but because her IQ is that of a large chunk of wax which means her conversational skills consist primarily of grunting like a sloped-forehead parasite-infested primate in heat.
That’s what I hear, anyway.
George Clooney’s WHORE is a two balled bitch
I would try to come up with an entry for Clooney’s slum slut skanky whore, but I’m too scared of Dogette – she can have the chain saw AND the monkey, really, it’s fine – seriously, she wants them, really really wants them…
I’m just gonna go over here in the corner and watch… K?
I’m also too bust to read the rules, I skimmed them. Do we leave our daily George Clooney’s whore comment in this thread, or just any post from that day? I really want that chainsaw. I hear George Clooneys whore has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it. Said wooden leg being a little longer than her real leg. Lets call her Lena, or Ilean.
*Yes, all comments stay on this blog entry. As I blog I will have a link to this giveaway entry. ~Laura
George Clooney’s whore is the model used in the new Jaimeson’s Raspberry Ale ad entitled, “Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs”, three of which have been renamed as Filthy, Smarmy, and Randy. Click here to see the photo.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2009/10/16/2009-10-16_beer_ad_showing_ho_white_in_bed_with_seven_dwarves_.html
George Clooney’s WHORE is available for rent! Just call 1-888-GCW-HORE!
I have no aspirations here (or anywhere else, for that matter, but that’s beside the point) except to do the bidding of my Almighty God-like Mistress, Dogette. The forces of randomness must align to provide her with that Sock Monkey (and a fine, angry little beast he is, too – but I shall not covet what must not be mine!). To that end:
George Clooney’s WHORE is the No.1 Google Images hit for “bag of antlers.”
“George Clooney’s WHORE is the unnamed evil that causes causes people to eat cottage cheese.
George Clooney’s Whore is a gold digging “MUSE”…
George Clooney’s WHORE is a scum-sucking bore.
Oh I’m so late… not that I can even begin to compete with Dogette’s outstanding entries. However, after reading this…
“It’s pretty simple, really. You see, George Clooney’s WHORE is often confused for a display at Madame Tussaud’s House Of Wax not so much because of her fake body and overall plasticness but because her IQ is that of a large chunk of wax which means her conversational skills consist primarily of grunting like a sloped-forehead parasite-infested primate in heat.”
I felt the pressing need to add that George Clooney’s whore is afraid that Glowball Warmening will melt her brain, so she’s against it.***
(I think this calls for all of us to drive Hummers in a concerted effort to speed the melting).
***thank you Dogette for the excellent insight.
omg i can’t stop laughing. I love you so much!!
George Clooney’s whore masturbates and everytime she does that, a kitten dies.
Is that eligible???? hahahahaha
George Clooney’s WHORE works night shift at the Waffle House….as a lot lizard.
Love this contest ~ hilarious!!
“George Clooney’s WHORE is a dumpster cunt!”
Good lawd! I can’t even compete here. Laughing too hard at all of the other comments. I couldn’t even hold a candle to those spotlights! That angry monkey is the BOMB! I think Doggette needs one just beacause she could drive it all around and take pictures of it being held up to the window of her car, showing disdain to IDIOTS out there.
George Clooney’s WHORE celebrates everytime she buys a box of tampons.
George Clooney’s WHORE doesn’t just stare at goats.
George Clooney’s WHORE doesn’t swim after troopships. She bought a speedboat.
George Clooneys whore is such a hillbilly, her tampons are made from straw.
George Clooney’s WHORE has armpit wrinkles and zitty face from worshipping the sun instead of George Clooney.
George Clooney’s Whore is so ugly, she was offered the lead in the new zombie movie so they could save on make up costs!
George Clooney’s Whore is the cause of ALL the stupidity in the world.
I have spent the entire morning in the musty bowels of the library researching George Clooney’s WHORE.
I learned many things about her fledgling “acting” career.”
For example, I learned that George Clooney’s WHORE is slated to appear in a sequel to George’s popular film “O Brother Where Art Thou?” but the recurring role of the roasted gopher meat on a stick has — unbeknownst to her — already been cast, so she is going to have to schlep back to the grill at Denny’s ’til her agent comes up with something else where she won’t have to compete against talented gophers.
George Clooney’s WHORE is capable of being used as a hand puppet.
(Too much?)
George Clooney’s WHORE is a festering pimple on the taint of the worlds oldest profession.
George Clooney’s WHORE is almost as natural as Barbie, but contains more plastic per pound.
Dogette sent me!
George Clooney’s WHORE is Zombie toast.
George Clooney’s WHORE sports armpit cheese.
George has been workin the room for years (lookin for Laura) he aint gonna give her anything, no ring, no NOTHING……therefore George Clooney’s whore is this years model for 2009. and when her warranty is up. she’s out-a-here… Trash!!SEE YA!.
hahahaha
My last one was kind of weak I admit…
George Clooney’s whore is…. a cum guzzling whore.
George Clooney’s WHORE is a golddigger, cause she ain’t hangin’ with no broke…uhhh…dudes.
Clooney’s whore’s cannalis has been viewed by every sad loser Billy No Mates porn fan hunched over his PC in Sadsville
I missed a day, but it’s not my fault – I was on my over here last night when I was suddenly surrounded by a field of flowers. My eyelids got all droopy and I couldn’t stay awake. They’re gone now – the flowers, not the eyelids.
Anyhow . . .
George Clooney’s WHORE is so plastic and empty, she has to give recycling centers a wide berth so a bum won’t try to turn her in for a nickel.
George Clooney’s WHORE is the reigning queen in the land of Skankdom.
George Clooney’s WHORE sells the sexy-time for foodstamps and scratch off lotto tickets.
George Clooney’s WHORE is so vacant you can shove a dog bone down her throat and let a dog loose up her ass.
A new day has dawned and it’s time to sip the espresso and come up with a new angry insult for that WHORE. Let me think.
I don’t feel any special rage toward her this morning. Something is wrong! Where is my rage? My inappropriate anger? Where?!! I must think of something to make me hate her anew. OH MY GOD I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING. What the hell?
Wait. I have it. We really don’t know where he FOUND her, do we? At least, *I* don’t. I assume she hit on him at a Hollywood party by telling him she wasn’t wearing any underwear or something classy like that. And then she took a pair of panties out of her evening bag and draped them over her head, seductively.
George Clooney’s WHORE is so pathetic she has to announce that she’s not wearing undergarments to the room at large at Hollywood parties in order to attract men but all the guys just go, “Whutever, WHORE! Take those ridiculous granny-panties off your head! You’re making a spectacle of yourself!”
George Clooney’s WHORE is having a “not so fresh” life.. and the smell is soo bad that all the tsunamis couldn’t help clean it out.
I SO love this contest!
George Clooney’s WHORE is a hermaphrodite!
George Clooney’s WHORE is the medical model for those posters on your GYN’s walls. Her most popular is “genital warts”.
When you look up the word “trashy” in Wikipedia, you will see a picture of George Clooney’s whore.
George Clooney’s WHORE is “dumber than a bag of hammers”.
George Clooneys whore is so ugly, she could make a freight train take a dirt road.
“George Clooney’s WHORE is
That not quite right smell that you hope is not you, but sniff your armpits to be sure, and then someone walks by and catches you.
George Clooney’s whore is a douche.
George Clooney’s WHORE has a striking resemblance to Brad Pitt. She smells, looks, and talks like… oh wait, George Clooney’s whore is Brad Pitt!
George Clooney’s WHORE is pale immitation of Laura. One day he will have the real thing.
George Cloony’s WHORE recently installed a cash register on her nightstand.
George Clooney’s WHORE is an effing hatchet gash.
This morning I offer an ode to George’s WHORE: “W” is for the warts that cover her girly bits; “H” is for the hair that cascades from her pits; “O” is for the odor that seeps from every hole; “R” is for the rotten void referred to as her soul; “E” is for the education you get from reading the Torah; and the lesson of this ode? – that he should be with Laura!!
Ok – I admit the last line or 2 was a little hokey, but it’s too damn early in the morning for too much rhyming.
Clooney’s whore is a grade A porn gurner.
George Clooneys whore is being featured at the state fair, right next to the funnel cakes. Slut on a stick.
George Clooneys Whore is:
They shall forever be known as George & Gorge”!!!
because he has to strap a telephone pole across his ass so he does not fall in…..Old yes!.. but it works. Thank you.
George Clooney’s WHORE is a post-op transexual with pit and vaginal odors.
This is going to be confusing in an “is it derogatory or not?” kind of way:
George Clooney’s WHORE is probably almost as hot as Laura (but not quite), which is the only reason he would let her anywhere near him.
George Clooney’s WHORE is classified by biologists as a species of mold.
George Clooney’s WHORE is so skanky, the feds have her stand on stage so the economy doesn’t look so bad.
George Clooney’s Whore is so brainless and ugly, the zombies don’t even want to eat her.
George Clooney’s Whore is fat and ugly and has fleas.
George Clooney’s WHORE has parasites that crawl in and out of her ass at night causing her immeasureable pain and embarrassment!
George Clooney’s WHORE is nicknamed “cathedral”, because it doesn’t matter how big your organ is, it’s gonna echo in there.
George Clooney’s WHORE was known in high school as “6 GRIT SANDY”.
George Clooney’s WHORE, the dark side of the force, is.
(Even Yoda doesn’t like her.)
George Clooneys WHORE Elisabetta Canalis is George Cloooneys Whore Elisabetta Canalis…….
George Clooney’s WHORE has pubic lice.
George Clooney’s WHORE has a brain the size of a Raisinet; and I don’t mean the big Raisinet in the box, I mean that tiny little nub of a Raisinet that sort of got chunked off during shipping and handling and then sank to the bottom of the Raisinet box and ended up clinging there in PATHETIC DESPERATION, which of course is the WHORE’s whole milieu because somewhere deep inside her little Raisinet-nub brain she KNOWS Laura is going to prevail and that’s really all there fucking is to it. Thank you.
George Clooney’s WHORE is a cum-guzzling gutter slut
George Clooney’s whore has a soup can for a vagina.
George Clooney’s whore is classified as a RED level threat by Homeland Security.
A new day has dawned. Time for a WHORE comment.
George Clooney’s WHORE is delusional in that she seems to think she is some kind of glamorous Euro-”jet-setter,” but really, she got her start in Greyhound Bus stations doing “favors” for tickets and in fact she still returns to that when she needs money for a new folding card table for her WHORE DEN in beautiful downtown Studio Fucking City.
George Clooney’s WHORE has a part in his new movie – as the goat.
GEorge Clooney’s WHORE fucks murdering asshole pandas!
George Clooneys WHORE smells like a finely aged chunk of Gorgonzola… that has been left out for weeks.
“Every harlot was a virgin once.” ~ If referring to Canalis, William Blake was wrong about this.
George Clooney’s WHORE is a champion in the poll dancing olympics.
George Clooneys whore sleeps with the Ninja Sniper Pandas.
George Clooney’s WHORE has a severe ca-ca mouth
George Clooney’s WHORE is on PETA’s shit list because they’re convinced that a major fish kill happened between her legs.
George Clooney’s whore trains ducks to rip out the throats of small children….. the evil bitch.
George Clooney’s WHORE is possessed by a demon. Really.
George Clooney’s WHORE she has a bubble gum machine in her room filled with the morning after pill.
Breaking News. George Clooney’s WHORE is arrested trying to STAB Laura! OMG! She’ll do hard time now, fer shurr. Heh.
George Clooney’s WHORE is stanky fish.
George Clooney’s WHORE was part of the Spice Girls before they hit it big. She was Old Spice.
George Clooney’s WHORE walks like she does because she has a murdering asshole hamster up her ass!
Keeping in the HALLOWEEN mood…
I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an erie sight. A monster from it’s slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise…..IT WAS GEORGE CLOONEYS WHORE !!!!
George Clooney’s WHORE is infested by the fleas of a thousand rabid sewer rats.
George Clooney’s WHORE is responsible for fucking up my blog code. She doesn’t know jack shit about code and her witchy pointy-claw WHORE-RED fingernails have no business being anywhere near a keyboard, ever. Direct all bile at her. I know you already were, but more bile — a jetstream of projectile bile — would be even better.
dogette – George Clooney’s WHORE IS projectile bile . . .
George Clooney’s WHORE is bleeding fromscrathing her dirthy crotch because of the crabs that have infested it.
George Clooney’s WHORE is the source of the nasty-ass, funky jelly substance you find in cans of Vienna sausages. Yuuuck.
George Clooney’s WHORE is so skanky that she once got a pity fuck from Michael Moore.
George Cloony’s Whore has the personality of a speed bump.
George Clooney’s WHORE is number one on my stab list, just for you.
What’s the difference between George Clooney’s WHORE and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
George Clooney’s whore is such a beast she is being banned by Lord Very Stern to help fight global warming. Cryptic FACT.
George Clooney’s WHORE is a baby-rapist.
George Clooney’s whore smells like that stuff that leaks out of my dogs ass. yum.
George Clooney’s WHORE has goat balls where her boobies should be.
George Clooney’s WHORE sleeps in a gynecologist’s chair with her feet in the stirrups for easier access.
George Clooney’s WHORE’s birth cerificate came with an apology from the condom factory.
George Clooney’s whore is a result of Mackenzie Philips incest with Poppa!
George Clooney’s WHORE is being put up on the rack today for her 250,000-mile service. It’s not pretty.
George Clooney’s whore makes Amy Whinehouse look like an innocent little virgin.
George Clooney’s Whore is a giant black head on Amy Winehouses ASS !
George Clooney’s WHORE is a frumious bandersnatch.
George Clooney’s WHORE is like, how much more skank could this be? And the answer is none. None more skank.
George Clooney’s whore is a cyst on a cows ass that festers and needs to be lanced by people in hazmat suits, then brought to a contamination dump with other groody things.
Note to Ted: That was the best entry yet, far as I’m concerned.
Let me just add that George Clooney’s WHORE is mostly composed of artificial ingredients and her brain — what there is of it — is entirely made of inert gases which, as you know, is what makes her such a good conversationalist and why George enjoys “talking” to her about world events and such (wink wink) before he drops her off at her bus stop in Studio City at 2AM every morning for her Walk of Shame.
George Clooney’s WHORE gets paid to take part in drug trials for STD drugs … all of them …
George Clooney’s WHORE’s cooter doubles as a storage locker for sports equipment…and 2 mac trucks.
Even Discovery Channel won’t do a “Dirty Jobs” episode on George Clooney’s WHORE. They were asked, but declined, stating that “There are things things that NO ONE wants to see. It would be the lowest rated program in history.”
George Clooney’s WHORE is such a succubus that she’ll fellatiate all of George’s castmates from Ocean’s 11, 12 & 13 before heading to the annual Playboy Halloween Party at Mr. Hefner’s Mansion.
George Clooney’s whore is the costume of choice for small children this year – she is just that scary.
Bonus! It doesn’t come with any of the nasty diseases like she does.
The gynecologist for George Clooney’s WHORE is dead. He was silenced because during her last exam, the doctor found the Joker’s secret hideout.
George Clooneys whore is uglier than a mud fence.