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It’s not that I am violent, it’s just that most of the world deserves to be stabbed | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

It’s Monday and we all know what that means. Yes, My Stab List. Without further ado, I present the list of people and things I wanted to plunge a knife into this past week.


1. My dog Jack who guilted me AGAIN into getting him another bed. He sat and stared everyday shivering; little dog tears forming in his eyes. The little fucker.


2. Balloon boy’s parents, the news people that first reported it, and everyone who continues to talk about it.


3. The crazy-lazy-eyed man at the dry cleaners that looked at me and said in a really creepy way, “Are you a natural redhead?” What the fuck? Don’t even look at me, crazy-lazy-eyed dry cleaning man.


4. The friend who is having a baby and told me she didn’t like gift cards OR cash. This forced me to go purchase baby shit. This is equivalent to asking some Joe off the street to go purchase surgical instruments. STAB.


5. The lady at the store that had one of those huge carts shaped like a car with two chillens in it that HAD to come down my aisle and say “Can I get by?” She had the whole fucking store and 6 other aisles that were EMPTY. First thing I thought was “STAB”, but then I remembered what Dogette did in the airport when confronted by an idiot with an idiot request. I looked at her, adapting a lobotomized blank stare complete with open mouth, and even though I didn’t have food to fall out of my mouth, there definitely was a tiny stream of saliva forming and about to fall out of the corner when she said “Nevermind!” and backed away. Thank you, Dogette. You should travel the country and give seminars. I still wanted to stab the lady though.


6. George Clooney’s WHORE.


P.S. I know I have been engaging you all in the mystery of October 20th. Well, because I am a rebel and I don’t follow rules very well, especially my own, I have decided that tomorrow’s entry will be going up tonight after my favorite network show “The Big Bang Theory.” So check back later or just wait until tomorrow after you’re well rested.

7 Comments
 

7 Responses to It’s not that I am violent, it’s just that most of the world deserves to be stabbed

  1. SB Smith says:

    Thank You ! Your blank and almost drooling stare at the cart lady forcing that ” Nevermind ! ” out of her made me laugh out loud and this has been a humorless day.

  2. SB Smith says:

    Oh, and my deepest condolences about Clooney having the ****ing GALL to give the WHORE a ring. Did she move in with him or was that just rumor ?
    Sorry…been away a few days….

  3. Teresa says:

    Too bad you couldn’t have mustered up an SBD for cart lady and her snotnosed offspring.

  4. dogette says:

    Oh I am so pleased that the blank stare worked for you on the lady with the beh-bey double-wide! And even without the food falling out of your mouth! That is talent. You are a natural.
    I think the blank stare works in part because it makes the person who is trying to manipulate and annoy you have to stop for a second and wonder, “What if this person is a lunatic? Maybe I can find other solutions to my problems that do not involve her in any way.”
    The “nevermind” response is exactly what you go for in these situations. Anything else is unacceptable. For instance, if they say something like, “Hello?? Did you hear me? I asked to you move!” you haven’t got the blank look BLANK enough. If they say something like “I’m calling the cops because you are scary” then you have overshot.

  5. Jennifer says:

    LOL! You are so bad!

  6. pat says:

    1) I think it’s time you throw in the towel, literally, and tell Jack that’s what he’s sleeping on from now on. You are NOT a sucker! He, in fact, has to SUCK UP!
    2)Don’t stab me because I’m commenting on YOUR comment about balloon boy. I admit. I fell for it. I thought the father was sincere and looked upset and relieved that they found “Falcon”. (Who the hell names their kid “Falcon”, anyway?) Now I’m just pissed. They’re talking about a $2 million dollar fine for the parents. Good.
    3)It’s nobody’s bidness if the drapes match the carpeting crazy-lazy-eyed man or not!
    4)C’mon she’s having a bey-bey. They need STUFF. You just bought shit from FRANCE. You can afford to help a friend.
    5)I’ll have to try the blank stare maneuver. Fortunately that won’t be hard for me because:
    a) I’m usually at a loss
    for words because my
    mind wanders a lot.
    AND
    b) I am a total WUSS and
    I HATE confrontation.
    6)Well, there’s really no need to even comment here, right?

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