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I’ve run through my entire gamut of emotions today and I have pie charts to prove it | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Every morning I listen to the CBS News before I go to work. This morning as I was getting sleep crud out of the corner of my eyes I heard “Actor George Clooney moves in Italian girlfriend and gives her a ring, details after this commercial break.” What the fuck? Did I hear that right? So I ran into the living room, turned up the volume, and stood there waiting for the story. Sure enough, they said he moved his Italian WHORE into his Beverly Hills home and has given the WHORE a ring. Their words, I swear, well, that’s what I heard anyway.


Now at this point of my tale I want to convey how I felt at that moment, so I made you a pie chart:



News I heard


I then Twittered the news I had just heard because I was rushed for time and I needed words of support under 140 characters. Within minutes, tweets of sympathy started pouring in. Some (Dogette) even suggested that I take a personal day. Others (Alison) showed their support by ranting about the WHORE.


Driving to work I knew what to expect throughout the day; people would start coming up to me going “Oh, did you hear George Clooney is engaged?” with smirks on their faces. Others would email me photos and stories (GARGS). I couldn’t take the day off, so I just got my Stab List out and a pen ready.


Then I got an email from Dogette telling me the news reports were false (FALSE!) and she sent me a link where George’s people denied the rumors. Here’s a pie chart expressing how I felt after reading that story:



My Feelinga After Reading Truth


Yes. LIES! ALL LIES! What the fuck has the media become in this country? Don’t they have FACT checkers? Anyway, I’m looking into suing them for mental distress. J says I’d have a hard case to prove because I’d need to prove I was stable prior to the false report. Here’s a pie chart of how I felt when J said that:



Unstable Chart

21 Comments
 

21 Responses to I’ve run through my entire gamut of emotions today and I have pie charts to prove it

  1. dogette says:

    I lost it when I got to the final chart headline. Just LOST it. Still LAUGHING THE FUCK OUT LOUD AS I TYPE THIS.

  2. dogette says:

    Still LAUGHING OUT LOUD and now I am also CHOKING ON MY OWN SPIT.
    Just FYI.

  3. dogette says:

    OK it’s been a couple minutes now and I’m still LAUGHING OUT LOUD at the third chart. The red. The “Stab,” all capitalized and shit.
    I’m insane now. I knew this day would come.

  4. Teresa says:

    Hysterical!!! Mindless WHORE…she probably drove George away with her jealously over you. Hey, maybe he’s on his way over to your house RIGHT NOW! Umm Umm Ummm…here come da Prize Patrol.

  5. patti says:

    laughing out loud – son wants to know what is so funny…

  6. Becky says:

    I’m thinking J needs to clean out his bank accounts and leave the country.

  7. pat says:

    You are “insane in the membrane”

  8. CGHill says:

    “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of stabbiness.”

  9. Jim - PRS says:

    I think you are suffering from stabbies.

  10. Lex says:

    Oh god that is funny.. i bet your blood pressure is slowly getting back to normal now. I didn’t even know he had a whore let alone had ‘proposed’ to one.
    And fyi that cute little pug that i feature on my website is laying here slowly killing me with her nasty poisonous farts. Cause i know you wanted to know…

  11. Duane says:

    I know this will o nly lead to other charts but the rumors are true. The ring is only 12,000 dollars so he really cant care that much about her. But he also did move her into his Studio City home.. This news brought to you by the letters W.H.O.R.E

  12. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! Oh God- those charts cracked me up, I had tears running down my face! Not only did that last chart have me burst out laughing-I love that you have no Acceptance in your first chart! LOL! You are hysterically crazy!

  13. Richelle says:

    This is funny as hell.
    I know you in real life, and I know you won’t let many people know it around you (because you don’t like many around you!)- I can say that you are one of the funniest people I have ever known or will ever know. Seriously. You are hysterically funny. What the hell are you doing in Columbia? Not that I want you to leave.

  14. alison says:

    Very very funny :)
    It was tough to look at her without wanting to shout “Ive seen your ugly canalis, Canalis” or “Hey Canalis whats with the dress, whore?”. But for the sake of not getting fired I figured on not doing that. Oh well. I got swine flu again for my thoughts.

  15. alison says:

    Oh yeah and up close she’s not all that, really. She has a masculine jaw and looks a bit like a Brazilian trannie.

  16. jw says:

    I swear to dog I love you! Prolly more than George, but not in a lezzie type way, NTTIAWWT.
    I don’t think I would last 5 minutes in a room with you and doggette. You two would have me laughing so fucking hard I would die of a heart attack or stroke or something. Then you two would be all sad and shit for about 2 seconds until you realized you had the body to contend with, and then you two would be bloody well pissed off to be in that situation.
    That would be blog worthy though, and you could make a couple of pie charts out of it, don’t ya think?

  17. Erik says:

    The next time you hear of any George news, you should pack up the car to Hollywood for a ROAD TRIP. And blog and tweet your trip from the road, all the while taunting George that your are “getting closer”.
    You don’t have a chance of meeting George, unless you are in at least the same town. Not talking about stalking him, of course, that would take knowing:
    Where he lives,
    Where he shops,
    Where he gets his coffee,
    Where he likes to eat out,
    Where he buys his girlfriends jewelry
    (Oops, maybe not that last one).
    When I lived in LA, I met a couple of stars. I was run over by Hal Linden at a hockey game. I said hi to Martin Sheen as he took his laundry to the dry cleaners(he was cool). I watched Parker Stevenson pump his own gas, and I wanted to ask him what it felt like to have left Baywatch, only to watch it make millions afterwards.
    Erik (Always listening for stabby noises)

  18. Schrodinger's Other Cat says:

    I was merely giggling until the last graph.
    Stab.
    That cracked my shit up.

  19. j says:

    My second reaction was “Hey, why am I laughing?”

  20. dogette says:

    BTW, Studio Fucking City? PLEASE. It’s exactly the nabe you would keep your WHORE, not your true SAXY love. FACT.

  21. Laura says:

    Thank you everyone for your love and support- except you Duane, and perhaps Erik.
    I do have just a tiny bit of a stabby problem. I am working on controlling that. Well, okay, not really.
    jw- I think you described Dogette’s and my reaction perfectly in that situation. And yes, it would totally call for pie charts and possibly graphs.

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