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Brokeback Broyhill | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

When you have more than one pet with fur and claws in a house you can pretty much give up the hope of having decent furniture for long. My shabby chic couch is now more shabby than chic. It actually goes beyond shabby and looks more like a couch that would be in one of those underground compounds inhabited by homeless mole people sitting around shooting heroin with a fire burning in large barrel nearby. As I was vacuuming it the other day, I looked closely and it appears that cat hair is now woven into the fabric fibers. As a matter of fact, I can honestly say that the cat hair is probably what is holding most of the fabric together. Yeah. I need a new couch.


I know some people may say “Wow, you should really train your animals not to get on the furniture.” And to them I say “HA! Good one!” (and also “Kiss my ass.”) Listen, I’ve tried everything. Repellent sprays that are suppose to smell like cat farts to them, spraying them with water, even covering the cushions with sheets and afghans. First off, there isn’t a spray stinky enough that an animal that licks his own ass would find offensive. My cats laugh in my face at being sprayed with water. And I’m sick and tired of straightening and changing the covers every time I want to flop my ass down (which is ALL THE TIME).


So I’m researching fabrics. Should I go leather or a microsuede? The cats have their back claws and can still fuck a fabric/wood/human lap up. And of course my retarded dog has his claws. They all shed of course. Should I just say to hell with it and encase everything in thick plastic like my batshit crazy Aunt Loda who raised and bred Pomeranians did? Nah. I think I’ll get fabric swatches and lay them in a grid on a couch cushion and after they lay on them a while test them all for fur magnetism, ease of fur removal and fur distribution.


This is all getting way too scientific for me. I have to go lay down now.


Oh crap.

6 Comments
 

6 Responses to Brokeback Broyhill

  1. Old Fart says:

    Go with leather. The wife and I bought a leather couch about 3 years ago and it’s held up with 5 full time greyhounds tromping all over it, plus the skinkids two pugs when they visit

  2. Becky says:

    Goodluck with your search for fur resistant fabric. It ain’t gonna be easy.
    Half the fun is in the search, right?
    Yeah, I didn’t think so.
    Well, have a pleasant nap, anyway.

  3. Go with microfiber, and make sure the covers zip off so you can wash them. I’ve got a yorkie and a yorkie/maltesse, my girlfriend has a yorkie mix and a papillon, so the microfiber has been put through the test around here.
    Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go turn in my hetro male card, for the infraction of discussing Fabrics.

  4. Jennifer says:

    OK, that mole people stuff was funny as hell.

  5. daphne says:

    Concrete. That’s the only undestroyable surface. I’ve tried it all and they still manage to stain, scratch, hairify, poke holes and snag every normal type of furniture covering.
    I keep threatening to build the pets their own special barn with all of my old, looks like shit furniture and take back my house.

  6. J says:

    Go with faux fur. Dye it the color of Thelma, Jack and Traxler and be done with it.

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