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My Few Rules of Friendship or Why I Have Very Few Friends | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura


Friend


I’ve heard people say things like “You love a friend no matter what” or some such variation. I call bullshit. There’s no way a sane person loves someone no matter what unless they are blood. And by blood I mean a parent or whoever raised you, a sibling, or a spawn. You can hate distant relatives easily. Anyone who says that they can become or remain friends with someone no matter what they say or do is a liar.


Here’s a list of some of my top five personal rules of friendship.


1. I am judgemental. I couldn’t care less what you look like, what your sexual orientation is, religion, or politics. What I will judge you on is if you have or develop some kind of nasty chemical addiction- meaning booze or drugs. If you are a drunk or a druggie- I will not be your friend. Go find a sponsor or an enabler somewhere else and drunk call them at three in the morning. I will also judge your mental health. If you are insane. Stay away from me. I don’t want to hear about or deal with your lunacy. Hire a therapist. I am not a psychiatrist. I don’t even play one on TV. I do well to handle my own crazy. I most definitely judge you by the company you keep, how you treat others, your morals and ethics. Call me judgemental, but…wait, I call myself that.


2. There’s a good chance that if you live in another state I will come visit you before I will drive over ten miles to see you. If this fact bothers you, we will not be friends. I hate to drive. I hate the traffic in this city. I don’t even know how to get around this city outside my general area. If you want to see me, you can come to my house and take up residency on my couch for all I care. But don’t get mad when you invite me over and I decline. If you live out of state I will gladly jump on a plane, even rent a car and crash at your place. But only in the fall and winter. I do not travel in the summer unless you live up north. I don’t know why I am like this. I just am.


3. If you don’t like animals I will not be your friend. I can understand people not wanting an animal because they don’t want a mess in their house, have an animal allergy, or don’t have the time needed to spend with a pet. But people who truly dislike animals or are afraid of all animals (minus being afraid of like bears and snakes and such) I do not trust. If you can watch Old Yeller and not cry, I don’t want to be your friend.


4. If you are not funny yourself, you better think I am. I understand that not everyone can be funny and I really don’t think I am most the time. But you can have a sense of humor about yourself. And by that I don’t mean being able to tell a joke, but to be able to recognize humor in most things and appreciate it. If you can’t stand on the stage, at least be an appreciative audience. I don’t like humorless, serious people and I will not be their friend. Life is way too hard not to be able to laugh.


5. Also remember that if we are traveling together and crash I will eat you in order to survive, as mentioned previously in a post. Being my friend will not make you immune. If this bothers you, I will not be your friend. You are welcome to feast upon my corpse if I’m dead. Or if we both survive the crash and we already ate all the corspes, we can battle it out if you choose to see who eats. I’ll let that be your decision because we’re friends.


Lastly I would like to say that I would never expect someone to change to live up to any of my judgemental expectations, just like I wouldn’t to theirs. I would never ever read something like “How to Win Friends and Influence People” because I do not care about doing those things. All people should just be who they are. And if you happen to be one of the above as mentioned, just go be that somewhere else. 

2 Comments
 

2 Responses to My Few Rules of Friendship or Why I Have Very Few Friends

  1. Duane says:

    I ehat you!!

  2. I will love you for ever no matter how big of a bitch you are. And if it comes down to it, we will eat Duhv. He is a ham and we know he is clean… for the most part.

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