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All my children | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura


kids


My friend/co-worker Beth, her husband, and three kids moved here from up north a few years ago. She has no family here and with three kids, two in daycare, she misses a lot of work with kid doctor appointments and illnesses. Apparently she sends these two tots to Bubonic Plague Playhouse Daycare, so as you can imagine, hardly a week goes by where she doesn’t have to rush away for some medical emergency.


I tease her a lot about all her time off, and when she comes back and reports to me what disease of the week which child has, I call her Typhoid Mary and tell her she needs to keep five feet away from me at all times. You just can’t be too careful. 


Today she had to leave for yet another kid doctor appointment and said she’d be late tomorrow morning to take the other to a different doctor appointment. This is when it hit me. The next job I get I am going to tell them I have small children. I figured then when I just didn’t want to stay a minute longer, or wanted to go do something fun, I will jump up, tell my boss daycare called and that I must pick sick little “Timmy” up. I then thought, okay I need more kids. Maybe four. Four kids would mean four times the amount of time off. Yes, I’m greedy. And say, little “Timmy” was really sick and had to go to a specialist at Duke University in North Carolina (an all day drive there and back). And this specialist only had appointments on Mondays and Fridays. Three day weekends! Woohoo! And say I got really greedy and wanted a week or two off. ”Timmy” could die. Yeah, yeah, sounds cruel, but just hush. It’s my imaginary child. I can have him croak. I’ll have three left. And he can be like one of those soap opera kids, he can come back to life at my next job. So cheer up.


I then got to thinking, why can’t I do this now? I could tell them Kevin Federline the State just gave me back my four children. I could text message a friend to call me on those times I just want to get away. I’ll pick up the phone, then loudly say stuff like, ” WHAT!? Timmy has a fever of 105! I’ll be right there!” OH MY GOD and he’s bleeding too?? I’m on my way!!” The next time little “Sarah” could have a seizure. I’m pretty sure a grand mal seizure is worth two days off. Lots of follow ups with specialists too! This charade could also work in my favor for more than time off. At company luncheons I could fix up some plates of food to take home to my four bastard children! Woohoo! Free food! Pure genius I tell you. And it’s not like I’ll be claiming them on my taxes. I do have some ethics.


I can’t believe it has taken me this long to figure this out. I have on occasion had to take time off for medical emergencies with my pets. And because I actually have pets, I would never make up an illness involving them because of karma and  bad luck and all that stuff. I don’t have kids, and never will. I can kill them off one by one I figure.  But you know, with all this talk about children, there seems to be some maternal feelings stirring in me. Wait. No, sorry, it’s just the Jambalaya I had for lunch.

5 Comments
 

5 Responses to All my children

  1. richard says:

    The world of parenthood just breathed a sigh of relief at your upset tummy.

  2. beth says:

    You know you are just jealous because I get all the attention and you don’t. HA HA HA HA HA HA. How about instead of 4 children you get 4 more dogs like the one you have now, then you will REALLY feel my pain girl!!

  3. Laura says:

    Beth, are you telling me you have Munchausen by Proxy? I think our health coverage will pay for treatment. Wait, what am I saying?? It barely pays for a flu vaccine. And how dare you wish four more dogs on me. You’re just cruel.

  4. Laura says:

    Richard, the world should thank me : )

  5. beth says:

    I don’t think our health insurance will cover Sarah’s cough too, oh wait, you have them on MEDICAID, so all the hard working dumbasses out there will pay for that cough. Smart move on your part.

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